A Pre-Post Asia Pondering

Once again I was reminded of one of the things that I love about traveling. It expands your comfort zone and breaks you all at once. It breaks you in the worst way and then you’re left to rebuild yourself into the new version of you. Never is it an easy task and if you cry, that’s okay.

When I had booked tickets to Bangkok I was fresh into my adventure. Barely three days into my trip and my original plans had gone to shit. The hostel hadn’t gotten back to me and honestly I being home for Christmas was looking really nice. Not to mention Jimmy had invited me to his EMT formal in January. So finishing my trip early and with a bang seemed like the best idea!

I remember booking the tickets and I was so excited. I stayed up half the night looking for things to do and places to see. It was all a brilliant sparkly new idea. Then somewhere along the way I decided it was going to be better to swing by a few countries. AirAsia made that an easy decision.

I booked tickets and hostels while in Prague. Although admittedly I put off a lot of the hostel booking because it was stressing me out.

The closer Bangkok got the more I started to over think it. People were pointing out how dangerous South East Asia was, especially for a solo female. I was getting in my own head because I had my Macbook along for the ride.

And then I was getting jacked up on the idea that I didn’t speak the language. Taxi’s were the easiest way to get about but what if they took me an extra long route on purpose? I didn’t want to be a typical tourist getting ripped off. Clearly I over though the entire thing and it stressed me to the max. It broke me.

I flew from Prague to Oslo to catch my flight south. I had an hour layover in Oslo. Just enough time to disembark, pass security, grab a coffee and have a near meltdown.

I was standing in the line to get my exit stamp from the Schengen Line when I was thinking “Maybe heading home would be best.” I’d been feeling sick to my stomach and weepy since I left Lenka’s that morning.

Then I passed boarder control and I was past the point of no return. So I tried to psyche myself up and give myself a pep talk.

Because honestly the last time I’d come so close to quitting an adventure was January 2011 when I was standing in the Shannon immigration line at 5 in the morning. I had to firmly remind myself that the last time I felt this scared was the beginning of a life changing trip.

The fact that I had kept the tears at bay didn’t keep me from sending long, loving text messages to my family, friends and Jimmy. Because I figured hey if anything goes wrong at least everyone knows I love them.

That 13 hour flight felt twice as long. I felt borderline sick the entire ride. I tried to journal out my fear. I got no sleep and ended up watching movies.

I landed in Bangkok and went through boarder control without a single issue. By this point I had a headache and was exhausted. It was 7 something local time. The time difference would continue to fuck me up the entire stint in SEA.

The twelve hour difference between Thailand and New Jersey meant that everyone was busy with their own lives at home. I flailed and tried to get a hold of someone to talk me down because I felt a full on melt down coming.

No one was there.

So I sat in the Bangkok airport and cried.

I totally broke.

And I leaned into the brokenness and fear that had been tinging the last day and a half. I cried it out while everyone at home was moving on with their day totally unaware that I felt the most alone I’d felt in years.

The only thing that kept me from booking a flight home was the fact that I didn’t want to board another long haul flight of 13+ hours to get home. That and the fact that I was sure I’d never forgive myself for giving up right before the true adventure started.

I was gently gathering the pieces of my broken self when my mum messaged me back. With none of the gentlness I though I needed.To say the least it wasn’t the response I had expected. It was harsh and it was something that I would tell myself. It was just what I needed.

And that was that. I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, shouldered my pack and went to the taxi queue.

That was when Asia officially started. The hardest part of that entire trip was leaving the Bangkok airport. And as I write this post I’m reminded of another trip that the hardest part was leaving the airport. November 2011 I backpacked Spain for 12 days all on my own, it was my first solo backpacking endevour. The hardest and scariest part of that trip was leaving the Madrid Airport.

So in life, I think the thing that makes us all the most scared of doing something is our preconcieved idea of what lays in the next step. Weather that step is leaving an airport or sending an email to an agent.

The fear is only in our heads.

That was the most poinent lesson of this trip. That all the things I thought were scary were just in my head. If I just ignored those voices that said something should strike fear into me I had the best day.

There were times in my trip where I didn’t feel safe. Where I felt out of my depth. Where I felt off kilter and awkward. Where I felt alone. Where I felt lost and afraid.

In one particular instance of wandering where I felt unsafe, out of my depth, and close to tears I was hit with the most profound idea. That just because I’m scared doesn’t mean that a place is scary. And if you find the fear that’s within you is based on your external surroundings then you should challenge it. Push your limits and break that fear. Because there’s a vast area on the other side where fear used to live and now you can move in there. Your comfort zone can expand into that place that used to harbor fear. And that’s just what I did. Over and over and over again.

Two weeks in South East Asia saw me doing things daily that scared me shitless. But at the end of the day when I’d text everyone or update Instagram I was proud to talk about my day and the things that I saw. I never really shared all my fears because by the evening they seemed so far off and petty.

What I love most about my travels is that every time I face down something new. I graple with it every day of my trip and I come home someone new and changed.

Travel breaks you.

But it also rebuilds you.